yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
