If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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