this just has baby written all over it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
