i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
