to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Terrible idea I love it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
