Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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