I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
