so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
