Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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