he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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