Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She bit a glass in half.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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