I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
