This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
