Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There's always time for handjobs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
