she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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