How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
