Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
