my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
