end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
