We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
