Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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