yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
