Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
