I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
