everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
