My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?