He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"