Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I believe in your delicious
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone