i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
