we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
