I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
