i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
