how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
