she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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