If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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