Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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