dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
