Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
