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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
