he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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