I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
