Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
