She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
