trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
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It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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