dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
