I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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