I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
