I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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