I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
