There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
