I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
