her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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