You're my little dorito
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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