the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
