i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
