before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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