their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
