yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
