im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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