My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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