I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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