Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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