finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
