i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
