I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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